Firstly, apologies. Inbox is full of old messages that should have been replied to ages ago.
Second(ly)...how have you guys been?
So here I am again. It's been a LONG time since I last wrote. I didn't think I would ever write here again, honestly. It's too hard to find the time on my own to get on here and write. Even if I had the time to sit uninterrupted and write, the words probably wouldn't flow, anyway.
The memory of this place is bittersweet. So many of the old faces are gone. There's the memory of the good experiences that I've had on this site. Then there's the reason I started writing here in the first place, and suddenly it's not just a bittersweet memory to think upon, but a scar on my mind and soul, painful and humiliating to think about. The last four years of my life have ruined me, what little control I had spiraled out of my grip in 2010 and I was left with pieces to pick up and try and move on.
I did move on, but I've changed. I'm still paying for the decisions I made in 2010. Still haunted by things I've done and said before that year, actually.
Looking back...it's as if my whole life I've been broken, and I just didn't realize it until later on. Two decades and two years of letting negative voices in my head influence my life and dictate who I was...who I still am.
Fear. Doubt. Anger. Weakness.
Fear. Doubt. Anger.
The weakness was just a result of the choices I made, and from those choices other bad choices, and from all of that came more doubt and more anger and the cycle has continued. I can remember feeling some of these emotions as a kid. So I lied--the last four years didn't ruin me, they just broke me until I had to face the person I have always been.
I tell myself I can wake up and it'll all just have been a bad dream, that wasn't me, I didn't say that, I didn't feel that. I deny my humanity, I despise it. I can't function like others. I'm not like them, or like you guys. I'm something else. Something less. I've let the doubts creep in and I've made the wrong decisions and for the loss of my feelings and direction in life, I've become numb to everything and everyone. Selfish. I've become so ugly inside, my mind a tear in a page of words that can no longer be read.
This whole thing, all 100 of these journals and all of the ones on my other account...all of them have been like this. Two decades and two years of being a broken record. I come here and I spit this on the screen and it's never different.
But I don't write it for pity or sympathy. It's a factual update. I'm not who I want to be. So I want to change. Problem is...that's not as easy as it sounds. But I'll be damned if this is who I am for the rest of my life...I cannot let that happen. Because these words are as cold as my heart has become.
I started praying again recently. I don't know where to turn, it just feels like I'm sinking and there's no way anybody could possibly understand where I'm coming from--at least not in real life. So I prayed, and there's this odd sense of "it's okay" that washes over me. I can be having a terrible day, and if I pray, somehow I'm not quite as angry as I would normally have been. It's odd.
Honestly, I'm not so sure that everyone can change, but I'm hoping for the sake of my soul that somehow I can be a person that does.
Listening to: Driven Under - Seether
Drinking: cream soda