hope next year finds you all in good health.
I've been putting off an update for awhile now. But I guess I should probably
write something before the year ends.
I'm still working (full-time, sometimes over-time) at the pipe-threading place
20 minutes away. It doesn't pay as well as it should BUT I'm learning a trade
(of sorts..). I suppose that even though I'm not earning what I should be,
it's still worth it. But then there's the original problem: do I want to thread
pieces of steal for the rest of my life? And the answer is simple: No. I don't.
I've been thinking about it all a lot. I'm in a bit of a rut. I hope to figure out
how to chart some sort of course for my life soon. Being a machinist isn't
a bad job. But it's not at all exciting. It's more or less monotonous. Of all
the jobs I've had, it reminds me of flipping burgers. It's the most simple thing,
really. Open machine, insert piece. Close door. Push button. Over and over.
Occasionally a piece gets messed up. Gotta fix that. Move on to the next.
There's little to no variation, other than the depth of the threads and the
different stock that we use. It's still a corporate job. There are still people
(states away, faceless entities) signing my paychecks and calling the shots.
It's annoying. I've heard that they are too good to visit the shop, I suppose
little shards of metal and dirt aren't tolerable. I don't think that I want to meet
them, anyway, because the entire family runs the business based on their own
financial situations...if they feel like they can get away with giving small raises,
rather than the bigger, nicer ones...they'll do that. This year I got a small raise.
Presumably because a customer cancelled an order and the pipe went to waste.
It must be nice to run a business from hundreds of miles away and base everything
on how your bank account looks, or how you might be feeling that day as you walk
into the office and sit in your wealth. Very nice.
Aside from work, I've cut away from my "friends." While this might seem negative,
I think it was wise. All they wanted to do was smoke weed. While I don't judge people for
being stoners per se, I didn't think their lack of motivation was helpful to me. I did
have one friend that doesn't dabble in that shit. I've known him for a few years now.
I met him in my more...naive days. I used to have fun hanging with him...but now all I
see is immaturity. I once asked him what his plans were in the years to come.
He told me he didn't have any. He lives with his grandfather and (if he had his way) would
work at McDonalds his whole life if he could.
Honestly, if you're still reading by this point, I try not to judge. I just got bored of being
around these people. They weren't like me. No one is, not around here. So I spend my time,
holed up in my place playing Xbox and ignoring the world as it spins around me. I work full-time,
but I do little else. I don't attend church any more. All I saw there was a lot of drama and
strife...two things I don't need. Perhaps I'm no better than them. I mean, I'm about as
anti-social as one can get. And that scares me, guys. It scares me a lot. I have NO desire to do
anything that involves people any more. I mean...I've still got my girlfriend and stuff. And I still
hang with my family. But...that's it. It scares me so much that I have ZERO willpower to even go
out any more. I guess some people are just loners. But...I'm not contributing anything or doing
anything worthwhile. I mean, I LOVE playing games and stuff. But that doesn't make up a life.
That doesn't really make me feel like I lived this year. And the whole year...I was holed up...playing
games and avoiding my "friends." They finally stopped calling. I didn't have the courage or the words
to describe my lack of social motivation. So while their "hobbies" weren't really anything I wanted
to get into, it was also more or less my mind just telling me to shove everyone away. It scares the
hell out of me.
It's just been an odd year. But I've only just begun. Over the summer, soon after I took this job,
my girlfriend got a blood clot in her leg. It was so bad that her leg swelled up to almost twice it's size.
The doctors had no fucking idea why, but they suspect that it had something to do with the birth control
pills she was taking. It's extremely rare in young people, and it usually happens to people
that don't move around much. But she works, and she's rarely ever not moving. The night we found out
what was wrong, I was so worried. I didn't know what to think. If it decides to move...it could go to her heart
and lungs and then it's basically game over. I tried to imagine what I would do if something would happen,
but it was unfathomable. I left her with her mother in the hospital that night, after visiting hours ended... I did
some stupid things that night. Things I regret. Lessons learned, I guess. I just wanted to feel alive again, that's
literally the only way I can say it. And it sounds SO cheesy, I know. But really...what would I do? The question
All this went down in May.
Well...it's the end of the year. The clot was supposed to be gone by now. But it's not. I'm beginning to wonder if
she'll have this thing for...well...a long time. I'm worried about it. But I can't bring it up to her. She can walk fine,
and the swelling is gone, but if she bumps it or stumbles, she's in a lot of pain. And she's taking a lot of medication--
rat poison, basically, to make the clot stay still and (supposedly) go away. But I've heard some stories. And I'm scared.
If we get lucky and it DOESN'T move...then what if it never goes away? Why her? It's so crazy and surreal.
So all these random things (and things from the past) keep plaguing my mind. I get frustrated easily. I get infuriated
easy. I hate that I'm so touchy now, all I can think is that my mind is getting worse. I'm finding it harder to see the
positive side of things and the year went by in a blur...and I was numb the whole fucking time. I want to feel, but
in my head it seems like I'm withering away and this is somehow the end. I feel like more and more of me fades every
day. Some things are harder to do..and memories seem to be fading as well. I'm afraid. I don't understand what's
happening or why, or how to stop it.
So I broke down. I went to see a doctor. I thought I understood what was happening, but I don't want to say it.
I explained it (as best I could). But I didn't like the guy. He was jumping all over the place, not really acting all
professional like most doctors do. He ended up trying to send me for blood work and some other tests, and also
wanted to put me on medication. When I asked about the side effects, he sorta mumbled a few different things
and said "so, this is what I'm gonna do." But I kept asking questions. At one point he just put his hand in my face
(him standing and me sitting down) and told me to shake his hand, whilst I was still asking questions. Then, when
I had questions about the side-effects, rather than answer me about them, he just says "fine, I'll put you on
such-and-such" and then lightly says he'll up the does some 50 milligrams. I told him I needed some time to think
(aka fuck you sir) and left.
I hate that I was foolish enough to throw myself out there, hoping that there could be some sort of cure
for whatever it is that's causing this. I'm not going to try that again. I thought about switching doctors...but
to what end? They'll all want to label it and diagnose it and who the hell actually knows what's in those meds
anyway? If this is me...then it's me. If I'm meant to be like this, then whatever. I just wish I could know exactly
what THIS is.
What are you guys afraid of? Because this year I learned a great deal about what I'm afraid of.