I don't even know where to begin.

2013 is here. I meant to write a New Year journal to just wish
everyone a happy and prosperous 2013, as well as write about
the past year (which in my opinion, sucked). Life happened.
Writer's block happened. I hate to think that it's taken me this long.
I guess I've been procrastinating. Or maybe it's just me. How can I
write when life changes as much as it does? One day you're fine,
the next day nothing adds up, nothing makes sense. You see people
laugh and you see people hurt and the world continues to spin.

In all honestly I've been a mess as of late. I moved out of my parent's
house, and that should have been the end of everything--the hurt and
the family issues. It should have been the end of uncertainty, the end
of everything that I had loathed while living there. I should have been
free, living and enjoying and tasting life to the utmost. I should be taking
the freedom and doing something worthwhile. I always talk about how
life is too short and how things will all end before we're ready to see it happen.
But..it is the opposite.

Life is nothing to me. It has no meaning. I am numb, I don't feel things like I used to.
I don't feel things like a person should. And the downcast feeling that
could be somewhat accurately described as depression comes and goes like the
stars in the night sky. It's a constant battle, and it's one that I can win. But it leaves
me empty. It takes away my emotion and leaves me as a shell. And in this shell that
I am, that forms the entirety of my existence, I contemplate what it means to have a
soul. And how anyone could smile and really feel it deep down inside when the world
is the way that it is. I still ponder things, but I ponder them deeper than ever before.

My life, which had once been full to the brim with purpose when I had been around my
family, now is a dead cycle that bears no meaning and no depth. Work. Sleep. Hide
myself away from crowds and any sort of social gatherings that may be going on.
Sleep. Hide. Work. Be antisocial. And so the cycle continues. I have trouble sleeping
as I try and remember the past and how I squandered away my life. I'm 21 now,
and it's sad to wake up and realized that life is over, that it was but a second.
I never really lived.

I never really lived.

All that stuff I told myself I was going to do as a kid..never happened. I never became
the person that I wanted to be. I never helped people like I said I would. I never
became a psychologist or became involved in a church--or even felt at home in a church,
for that matter. I lied to myself, because now it is too late. My mind is tainted.
The stress of life and the lack of sleep and the ongoing struggle with depression has
made me something different than I was before. My head feels foggy and it's hard to
focus on anything--I think this is why I have stopped writing these journals as oft as
I used to. Because there isn't any drive, there isn't any focus. It's almost as if there
is nothing. I feel as though I have died, and come back to life. Only I'm still in a coma.
I think people are waiting on me to wake up. It's a shame when I think like that, because
I don't think that I ever will. I'll be zoned out tomorrow. And the day after that. And the
one beyond that day, too.

A friend told me to smoke weed. However, this never did anything to aid me in any way,
so I don't see the point. This friend thinks it would enhance my focus. If only there was
some sort of cure I could just take hits from and just be okay, be myself again. If anything,
weed would only make me feel more numb. And it wouldn't help with the stress of life. As it
is, this current brain fog, yet constant "laid-back" mask that I hide behind, has me looking
like a stoner anyway. It's no wonder most of the people that reach out to me in this area
are potheads, my laid back attitude that hides my underlying stress is something they have
to smoke to achieve. But for me, it really is natural. Staying chill on the outside helps me to
(somewhat) cope on the inside. But I digress.

Life, in the end, is all just dead weight.

Life is beautiful for some people. Others taste the other side, the one we all try and forget
exists as we live our comfortable lives. We forget that there is suffering when things are good.
We forget that there is a God until the world knocks us to our knees and we cry out for help.
We forget that others hurt when we're so caught up in ourselves. This I know. I hate thinking
and pondering about my life, and higher purposes and God and death, because I know that
there are other people who have it worse than me. I should be happy. But I'm not.

My parents won't let me do anything with my siblings. I can go visit, sure, anytime I want.
But if I wanted to go anywhere with them, go anywhere to hang out or maybe go see a
movie--well, that's impossible. It's a drag. I feel isolation. I feel like I'm no longer related
sometimes. But they are the most important thing in the world to me. And they always will be.
Perhaps that is why, when I lived there, depression was easier to deal with when there were
so many smiling faces, even amidst my parents' issues (which, oddly enough, seemed to have
dissipated since I left, making me look even more like the culprit of my father's ill behavior).

I hate myself. I don't think in terms of suicide, and I don't write this to make anyone worry
or anything like that. Most of you have gone away, to higher callings--aka Tumblr and other
websites like that, or so it seems. Most of you are out living your lives and trying to be
the people you have dreamt to be. If I had've written a new year's log, I would have told
you all to live it up, you who are younger than I and still on the right path. You most likely
haven't fallen into this hole that I seem to be in, and as such I implore you all to avoid
anything that might make you become numb. Alas, it's not the best place to be. I don't
say these things in light of the latest trend this world has to offer, which says "live
for the moment." That's exactly what I'm saying not to do. If you don't want to become
like me, then feel. Hurt a little. Laugh a little. Do things that you love to do.
Be social. Help someone in need. And, most importantly, watch your backs. Because the
same people you help will turn on you. It never fails.

I'll take a sec and get off my soapbox and mention something that's been haunting me.
My girlfriend's cousin recently asked me if I wanted to move to Tennessee. Out of the blue.
Just like that. He's offered to help me and my girlfriend move to TN and get our feet on the
ground. He's from this area, and I guess he knows how bad this area is, how dead and
hopeless these people are. I don't know. I trust him. But I'm..conflicted. How can I justify
leaving my siblings behind? How can I? On the same note, how can I stay? I'll never do
anything worthwhile here. I just don't know what to do. So many questions. So little time.
I have to decide by June 7th. So not only do I have to figure this out, but I only have two
months to do it.

To make this worse, my girlfriend's parents will kill me if I don't marry her before we go.
If we go. Even though she's already been living with me off and on and somehow they
don't know that (yeah, I'm going to hell). I'm not fucking ready for marriage. I don't even
believe in marriage anymore. I'm just..not ready. Come back when I'm 27! No, but really,
as much as I love my girlfriend, I haven't really healed completely since the scars she gave
me from before. And I'm having trouble coping with commitment. It's hard to cope with the
fact that I'm in a relationship. Putting myself in one was a mistake. One, because of my issues.
Two, because of how she hurt me. Three, because I don't want to need someone. If she
dies, if something happens to her, I'm going to be FUCKED. If she leaves me, I'm FSHEUENGCKED.
She's taken everything from me. There isn't anything left for anyone after her.

I understand why guys keep girls on more shallow levels. It's easier to have someone to sleep
next to and then forget about when morning comes. Because then you don't have to worry about
getting hurt or losing that person. Or that person hurting you. Or you hurting them. Or them
having to know your past. I never thought I'd understand why guys are like that. Now I know.
Perhaps they are wise to keep girls at such a distance. Really though, marriage? No! Kids? How
the hell am I supposed to be ready for all these things my girlfriend just expects in the years to
come?

I loathe the fact that I need someone. That I need her.
I can't lose her now. So I'll have to wear these shoes that don't fit
and put on this mask that isn't me. But that's nothing new.

I'm not ready. I can't even feel. I wouldn't be able to be a good father, I'm not ready for marriage,
and for some reason I don't think I can really leave this town behind. I know there's nothing
here. But I'm already dead. Moving isn't going to change that.

I just want to scream about all these emotions that I don't even feel but sometimes
passionately feel for like a few seconds.

I'm tired. There is so much to write! Poems and stories, and more things
that I ponder on a daily, minutely basis. But I'll get to that.

Eventually.

Maybe.

~matthew