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Literature
Need
This fall found me in a mess
I was trying to understand why I need you
There are many things I could confess
If only I knew that they were true
The way you lean into me
And the way you caress my heart
While stabbing away care free
Every day is a new start
I wish I could say goodbye
I wish I could let go
I wish what I said wasn't lies
I wish I could let you know
It hurts to be with you
I love the way it feels
At least this part is true
At least these words are real
You should know that I care
Otherwise I'd leave
And the way this is isn't fair
I've developed a strange need
I hope in time you'll see
I hope you'll get the truth
Look at what you've done to me
And how much I love you
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 14 95
OC by shadowvaen OC :iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 35 0
Mature content
asphyxiation :iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 1 55
Literature
Remember Me
Please remember me
my life is a mess as death calls
it pulls like the moon
and it's as strong as the sea
Please remember me
this is my final wish
that just maybe
I will be missed
Please remember me
as I fall from life
I did finally learn
what was wrong...and what was right.
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 10 0
prime obsession by shadowvaen prime obsession :iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 13 167
Mature content
Burned :iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 3 55
Literature
the Bleeding Will
Last night I dreamt that I held you while you cried
There was no reason
Just the closeness being justified
Two hearts as cold as this icy season
Two cold hearts that soar with the stars
Feel with the depth of the sea
And reach just as far
Two cold hearts that can be still and just be
I'm sorry I can't be more
I don't know who I am
I've tried to tell you this before
Before we both made our plans
Life happens, now I'm bleeding for you
This is what I wanted
To bleed for us two
May I become less haunted
May my dreams be few
May my heart deny
May my soul remember you
May my wings still fly
amongst the stars
By the dreams of two cold hearts
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 17 86
Literature
Sincerely Broken
Dear TB,
Ok, you win.
It's no surprise to me. My luck never fails to fail; in fact, my luck doesn't exist. And you're the one without scars, with the flawless face and puppy-dog stare that you've used to lure so many girls into your bed. Sure, you're a whore, you'd fuck anything that moved…but it doesn't matter. My face is scarred, my hands are rough, and…I'm hindered by a thousand different things from every side. My life has been a fucking mess, and you…you're free.
It wasn't really a fight, me vs. you. No.
Just a small amount of confusion and mixed feelings between me and your girlfriend, and a decision that left us both…different.
Yeah, her. The one that you refer to as "bitch."
This has been one of the most emotional things that's ever happened to me; it's the first time somebody somewhat knew me and treated me like an actual human being, worth more than the shit that most people treat me like. For a short while she was by my side, nowhere near the amount of ti
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 3 43
Literature
Valentine's Day
You hold your breath, I guess you're waiting
You tell me where you'll be
You know I'm sick of all this hating
You just want me to see
Now I'm letting you down once again
Another chance just passed me by
We both know this lust will never end
So we dance our dance until we die
Some say you don't really care
Some that you don't hardly feel
If you want me to share
Show me this is real
They say you're good at what you do. Ha.
Perhaps you'll never really be mine
Those guys can make your body move
But only I can make your eyes shine
And even though you'll be sleeping with them
you heart will hurt and tear in time
quite soon all of that will end
and you'll realize that we're both alone...
This Valentines.
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 4 19
hosting death by shadowvaen hosting death :iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 0 9
Mature content
Suicide :iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 6 58
Literature
Catching Stars
Being kind and telling lies
I suppose we're just trying to find our way
Through all those feeble tries
Our souls get led astray
Seeing you today gave me strength
Brought blood later in the night
Saw light bring to me new pain
And with it a new fight
Soon you'll be gone forever
I'll lose my chance
To see us together
Lost to fate and circumstance
Why do the wheels turn this way?
How does life shift and diverge?
Where will I find strength to get through the day?
When does the darkness and light merge?
For now it's just us
Running ever so far
Lost in this unbroken trust
Catching the falling stars
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 10 60
Literature
I'm Fine
You txt and you ask
If all is right
I'm resigned to the task
Of lying to you tonight
What you see is a lie
A shade of reality
Reflected in your eyes
I shimmer with clarity
You don't know me
Yet I know you do
you know the way I bleed
You know that it's all for you
My soul is in torment
They say it's dark there
My final punishment
I breathe in the cold air
The sun rises and you fret
Just trust and you'll see
I must repay this debt
Don't you worry about me
I'm fine.
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 11 45
the outcast by shadowvaen the outcast :iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 2 68
Literature
Mortality and Shame
Last sun saw me fall
The next watched my blood run
The third burned it all
The fourth saw it done
The moon saw me rise
So high in the sky it laid
The moon filled my eyes
It returned life to my veins
Now I'm breathing again
Heart seething and beating
Fighting the end
Eyes understanding and seeing
The lines blur
Concept is lost
I can't feel the old hurts
Protected but for what cost?
I lost my feeling
My limbs cry out
No, I'm not falling
And there's no room for doubt
Trust me I'm fine
I've crossed the invisible line
If you can't see it don't try
It's just not your time
Don't worry or cry or shatter your bones
Or believe their lies, or condone
When you see me you should smile
I'm free. I have been all the while.
With one taste of my own blood
I converge into the sun on golden wings
And throw myself into the blinding flood
Life has only just begun
The night finds me sitting on the moon
feeling your pain, blackness surrounds
it's ended so soon, free me from
this mortality and shame
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 5 36
Literature
Soul Dance
Candles are lit
Your eyes shine
Our souls awaken
Your soul is mine
Let's dance
Like we used to
Fall into a trance
It's all we want to do
Our souls meet
And flicker
Your soul is sweet
Mine so very bitter
So starts the dance
spinning and mixing of us
Only one chance
The sealing of trust
Our eyes afire
The flicker grows tired
The moon gets higher
Time expires
Our souls are light
Joining a fight
A dance
A trance
We sleep and don't know
This dance
We sleep and hope for this
This lonely chance
Our breathing unchanged
we're here, feeling whole
Amidst flickering lights
Heaven and hell watching our souls
The sun rises and the dance ends
Candles grow old and fade
This dream we must defend
our lives invade and scars rend
we die, us two
Still in this trance
We smile because we know
Our souls still dance
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen
:iconshadowvaen:shadowvaen 6 43

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Home sick for the day.

I never call in to work, but the flu/fever (oddly out of season) 
got ahold of me over the weekend, so I made an exception.

So I've been a potato all day. Resting. Playing Alien: Isolation.

Then somehow I got on Youtube. I was eating poptarts, and I 
got to wondering...why are they "best eaten frozen" ?!?! I ended 
up watching an old pop tarts advertisement. Just don't ask guys, 
I cannot explain how I ended up watching pop tart ads on Youtube.

Then (and this is just as unexplainable) somehow I stumbled onto a video on Youtube
regarding a bunch of riots/gatherings over political drama. I'm sure you guys are probably
sick of all the politics lately. I know I am! Yet somehow I wasted 2-3 minutes of my life
watching these stupid people. I won't go into details, because it simply doesn't matter.

It made me sad; partially because I disagreed with what I was hearing.
And partially because what I saw was a bunch of people throwing a fit under the pretense
that they were standing up for what they believed in, or what they believed was right.
In reality I saw a lot of pent up negativity, and a lot of people just looking for a reason
to scream and throw a fit, to make some noise.

I didn't write this to bring up politics. I wrote this to share a thought I had whilst 
I watched the aforementioned Youtube video. I was thinking: "man, if aliens did 
exist and they somehow saw this, they'd want to wipe us out for sure."

I used to believe in aliens as a kid. I don't now that I'm an adult. But what an interesting thought!

...it reminds me of some of the plot points in the movie Prometheus.
  • Drinking: coffee
Time is like sand. And so much of it has slipped through the hourglass since 
the last time I visited here. Something about this site feels strange to me now.
Like it was so long ago and so much has changed. I'm not the person I was 
back then. That guy had some serious issues! I look back at some of the things 
I said or the (really really awful) poetry and I cringe a little bit. I guess as we
grow older we shed the skin of our former selves. I'm not saying I have wings
or an extra hand or anything, but in a lot of ways it feels like "evolving."

I used to get on here all the time. Back when I lived at home. Back when Mom
and Dad were wayyyyy different and every day was some sort of fight. I said things
back then and did things that I wish I hadn't done. The blame wasn't all on me or on
them. Things were rough and I made a lot of mistakes, I'll say a lot of it was the bad
situations and circumstances and me simply reacting to it all, but a lot of it was me 
being stubborn and angry and trying to figure it all out. Maybe those two things are 
the same. Maybe the anger was a reaction. I know I was REALLY angry and I pretty 
much left God behind in the wake of all of that. I never stopped believing, but I 
certainly wasn't trying to be the man I was supposed to be.

I think as a result of all of those things I became depressed. I fought with that for
years. If any of you guys from 3-4 years ago are still around, you know what I'm talking
about. 2010 was a year of first times--my first job, first college experience, first time 
really getting out on my own (I was homeschooled all my life prior to the college). And 
for whatever reason it seemed like people beat me down everywhere I went. At college 
I couldn't seem to fit in (not even in the anime club!). In particular there was one student
that just seemed like he went to class everyday just to talk down to me or be unpleasant.
At work I dealt with really judgmental people, people who treated me different than the 
others for seemingly no reason. I was kind to them, to all of them. It hurt to be treated
in a completely different way than how I was treating them. Looking back now I think
they must have seen how cracked and broken I was. People need a leg up. A confidence
boost. I was the perfect stepping stool to counter their low self esteem. No matter
what they were dealing with, here was some kid who was a total wreck who was
faring worse than they were. Like wolves taking down a wounded animal. I'm sure you 
guys have dealt with people like this, you know the types of jerkfaces I'm talking about.

I'm not writing all this because I want anyone to feel sorry about it.
I'm writing it because I've changed. I'm not the shadowvaen I was 7 years ago.
I've fought with the depression until about a year ago. It's a long story, but something
happened one day and it was one of those moments where you just know that God had
something to do with it. It's terrifying to say this, but in a lot of ways I'm happier than I've
ever been! I say terrifying because there's always that anxiety when you have so much
to lose. But...the depression feels broken. Finally. Once in awhile it feels like it's still
lingering, but those moments are few and far between.

Life won't ever be perfect, but in these recent times I've really started to see how 
blessed I am. When there are so many horror stories overtaking the news and the 
world is filled with so much malice and hate you start to realize that the issues 
you're facing aren't all that bad. I'm not sure why God has blessed me the way He
has. But I'm thankful for the life that I have lived. 

I'm thankful for each and every one of you people that helped me get through those
extremely dark days. Back then I didn't have anyone to talk to. Legit. Nobody. You 
guys were there. I haven't forgotten that. I wish I could help you guys, the way you guys
helped me. I'm not sure how many of you are still active, but from the bottom of my heart,
I want to say:

thank you. words cannot describe how much it helped me to have you guys behind me.
talking to me as I went through all those different things. you guys helped me become the 
man I am today. I hope that each and every one of you find what you're looking for in life.
I'd name everyone specifically but there are SOOOO many of you guys.
You all know who you are. Even if you're all mostly gone to the devices of life and never read
this, I hope you're all faring well. 

Life isn't perfect. Sooner or later the clouds will return as they always do. But I feel stronger. 
I'll be ready when the storm rolls in. I'm ready to turn the page and keep turning and live 
life to the absolute fullest that I possibly can. I pray you guys can do the same.

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shadowvaen
thunder
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
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:icon70j60:
70J60 Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2016  Student General Artist
I don't know when the next time that you'll check this will come around,
but happy birthday. I hope things have lightened up, even if it's just a tiny bit, since the last time you've written anything here.

(´・ω・`)
Reply
:iconshadowvaen:
shadowvaen Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
A very belated thanks for the birthday wishes!
Things have changed a lot for the better.

I hope you and DCB are both doing alright. 
I've missed our talks about anime. And Hichigo. 
That guy was crazy. I never did finish reading the
Bleach Manga. Should add that to the bucket list.
Reply
:icon70j60:
70J60 Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2017  Student General Artist
ah man, it's been a while!
i'm glad things have gotten better for you in the end

we've both been doing fine as of late. and i've missed those talks about anime too, they were pretty fun~
oh yeah, you know the bleach manga finally ended, so when you get around to it you won't have to worry about waiting for more chapters to come out.
i'm pretty happy with bleach's ending (even with all the bullshit) and where hichigo ended up in the story.
Reply
:iconshadowvaen:
shadowvaen Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I miss reading. I'm so busy nowadays I don't make time
for it like I did when I lived with my parents. I'd love to 
see how it all ends. All the filler stuff was annoying, but 
I'm sure the ending must be awesome if you're satisfied with it!
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconunholymilk:
UnholyMilk Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thanks for the favorite
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:iconchiseltown:
chiseltown Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for faving! :thanks:
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:iconladyjeanette18:
Ladyjeanette18 Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
and thanks for fave:D (Big Grin) 
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:iconr-complex25:
R-Complex25 Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2014  Student General Artist
Thanks for the fave :D
Reply
:iconshadowvaen:
shadowvaen Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Welcome. :)
Reply
:iconsaturdayfan200:
saturdayfan200 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist
Thanks for the fav
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